Bill of Rights: Now 40% Leaner!

If this weren’t so close to reality, it would be hysterical. Instead, I feel like sobbing uncontrollably. (OK, that might be overstating it a bit. But not by much.) The Onion: Bill of Rights Pared Down to Six:

“We’re not taking away personal rights; we’re increasing personal security,” Ashcroft said. “By allowing for greater government control over the particulars of individual liberties, the Bill of Rights will now offer expanded personal freedoms whenever they are deemed appropriate and unobtrusive to the activities necessary to effective operation of the federal government.”

Sigh. And just in case you think this fake quote is off the mark, here’s Ashcroft’s embarrassing quote before the Senate committee in the wake of September 11:

“To those who pit Americans against immigrants, and citizens against non-citizens; to those who scare peace- loving people with phantoms of lost liberty; my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists – for they erode our national unity and diminish our resolve. They give ammunition to America’s enemies, and pause to America’s friends. They encourage people of good will to remain silent in the face of evil.”

Remember – this guy’s the Attorney General. Phantoms of lost liberty indeed.

On a related note, if you want to ruin an otherwise perfectly good mood, be sure to read this excerpt from next month’s Esquire on Karl Rove and the Bush Administration’s domestic “policy” initiatives.